I raised my hand. It changed everything.
I truly did not realize I was grieving. That only happens when someone dies right? No one had died, but the loss felt from the severed relationship of our loved one was impenetrable and deep. Focus was increasingly difficult, my feet were firmly planted in midair. Life felt unbearably hard.
I followed all my prescribed conditioning from childhood: Don’t cry. Push forward. Be strong for others. Keep busy – real busy. Time heals. Replace the lost. Don’t let anyone see you as weak. Hold onto your faith. Keep smiling. The problem was I just couldn’t push this aside. I had poured decades of my life into this loved one and the daily pain I felt was determined to take me down with it. I couldn’t let that happen.
So, I raised my hand and sought help.
At a Heartlink networking event I was introduced to Rosie Fox, a Grief Recovery Specialist. I learned that there are over 40 different types of losses that we can encounter in our lifetime that can really throw us off track. Many of the bad habits, even addictions we form are coping mechanisms that may be traced back to an uncompleted loss. We must face them with honesty, courage and a trusted guide.
Loss can include experiences I had never considered, like moving. I moved eighteen times in my first eighteen years and as a shield, I stuffed away the fear of making new friends, unfamiliar places, and uncertainty deep within my being. I didn’t blame anyone, I just pushed forward. I didn’t cry, I isolated and protected myself.
What about the loss of financial security or divorce? These can topple our world and send us into a tailspin, yet we are told again to push forward. Be strong. Don’t cry. Time will heal.
Once we’ve entered midlife, we are likely to have encountered losses on multiple levels in our lives. Depending on our upbringing we may or may not have the proper coping mechanisms to complete the loss and move forward with a healthy life. I sure didn’t. I’m learning that the emotions associated with grief and loss don’t magically go away. If they’re not felt and acted upon, it’s almost as if they’re placed in a big pot. It’s simply a matter of time before it reaches a boiling point.
One of the most damaging snares of all is misplaced guidance regarding our faith in God in relation to loss and grieving. If you simply trust in God everything will be fine. He works all things together for good, right? Then when we have an extended season of hurt it follows that our relationship with God must not be strong enough. Our faith is weak otherwise this trial would have already run its course. Why are you still struggling? Pick yourself up by the bootstraps, trust God and move on.
One of the biggest losses in my season of motherhood came when our church family of eighteen years turned their back on our family during a particularly rough season. I didn’t lose faith in my God, but I did in the “Good Christian Woman Club” who showed me that they had no place for the struggling on Sunday’s bulletin. I don’t blame the church as a whole, but rather I call out for a better way to truly help the hurting. We must seek to understand the weight of another’s burdens and not turn our backs when it becomes uncomfortable.
While this particular season of loss has driven me closer to my Lord than ever before, it didn’t come without tremendous pain and hard. Do I blame God? NO! I cling to Him with everything I have. Where else am I to go? When I landed at rock bottom, He alone was my rock. I could either stand on the rock or be crushed by it. I chose to stand. I read the other day on Jordan Lee Dooley’s instagram feed that, “God allows what he hates, to accomplish what He loves” and I couldn’t agree more.
The reality is without support the emotions surrounding loss and grief become displaced into behaviors such as secretly eating for comfort, “retail therapy” with financial consequences, a “short fuse” with harmful relational side effects, or other types of addictive behaviors. Such emotional stress can eventually boil over into physical disease. Autoimmune disorders, gastro intestinal issues, unexplained hair loss and the list goes on and on.
I chose to work through the loss of relationship with our loved one and learn how to properly grieve so that I can live a life full of the purpose that God has for me. We continue to pray daily for reconciliation and for our family to be whole, but until that day there will always remain an empty seat at our table. Our hearts will hurt and we are free to fully feel and express the emotions that flow from that. However, I am able to completely release the grief into the loving hands of my all knowing God and continue to do His work. I’m forever grateful for that.
I’m learning how to see loss through the lens of gain and I know that healing is on the horizon.
How about you? Do you have a loss in your life that has kept you stuck and struggling? Are you suffering through the grief of an estranged child? My mother’s heart goes out to you. I grieve with you. Today I encourage you to raise your hand and ask for help. Your one precious life is waiting for you.
