It hit me as soon as the wheels left the runway.
The Florida coastline disappeared out my portal window, and like clockwork the first pangs of emptiness touched down in my heart. It was official. We were empty nesters. First our son graduated from high school and took off to Montana. Then within a couple months our high-school-aged daughter left the nest prematurely to attend a ballet conservatory in Boca Raton.
I look back now with a knowing smile, I truly thought I had it all together. I knew there’d be some adjustments and I was excited for the road ahead. It would be like going on a whole new adventure, only this time into a new season of life. I quickly found out I had no idea how to pack.
Back home in California, with our two kids scattered across the states, my husband and I sat alone in the same home we purchased before the kids were even a twinkle in our eyes. It took us five nights to fall into the first of several empty nest blunders. I thought I’d share a few of our misfires with you in an attempt to help you avoid them.
Those first few days we walked around the house once filled with “kid noise” and endless motion. With 1990’s butter yellow walls, outdated flooring, worn carpet and smudges of teenage handprints on the door frames, it was decided a total renovation was in order. We ordered the 40 yard bins, hired a contractor and began the demo ourselves.
It took the two of us five days to completely disassemble and demo the inside of our home. Kitchen, bathrooms, flooring completely removed. Old saggy furniture chain–sawed and thrown into the bins. Every item that I had held onto “just-in-case” was removed from our home. It was the greatest cleansing of all time. At first it felt amazing, therapeutic even.
The excitement of creating something new out of our worn out home was exhilarating.
In retrospect the energy we applied to our huge remodel project stole our attention away from experiencing and processing the emotions that were percolating under the surface. This was a whole new season of life and it deserved our front and center attention.
We worked on our home for one and a half years. It was beautiful when we finished and continues to be a perfect blend of both our styles. We love it! However, working on the house had me stuffing my empty nest emotions in the back corner of my mind to deal with later. When they couldn’t be held back any longer – the sadness, mom guilt, fears, doubts – all had grown way out of proportion to reality and threw me for a loop.
My word of caution is this – take the time at the front end to acknowledge and work through the barrage of new emotions you will undoubtedly encounter. Don’t be afraid of them or pretend they don’t exist! Remember all emotions are a beautiful gift from God! By processing through and allowing yourself to feel them you will be able to move forward as a strong and emotionally healthy you!
With that said, taking on new projects and hobbies is an excellent way to move forward in the empty nest years, just as long as you’re not putting your true feelings on a shelf somewhere.
My mom sent some boxes in the mail with papers she had saved from my school years. This of course arrived AFTER I had cleansed our home of all unnecessary items! While opening the box a canary yellow paper sat on top with the words Kindergarten – Turtle Rock Elementary School labeled on the header. Underneath was a personality test I had been given via pictures. I had to laugh at the very first question. Do – “I play well with others.” ? I had given myself a ranking of NEVER and circled in crayon the angry face.
That about sums up my schooling years. We moved frequently while I was growing up – to the tune of 18 times in 18 years. Saying hello to new friendships meant I was also going to be saying good-bye in the rear view mirror of a moving truck the next year. I chose to protect my tender feelings and not attach. It was one of those deep seated habits that stuck with me into my adult years.
I’ve learned that this is not uncommon amongst women. We all have our own unique list of hurts and experiences that we can choose to wear around like a worn out backpack. If forming committed friendships has been a challenge for you in the past, you do not need to carry that with you into the future. Over one third of women in midlife report feeling lonely or disconnected socially. This is because God has wired us as women to live in community, to connect with each other eye to eye, face to face. To support and do life together. It was never in the master plan for us to pull into our garages in the evening and shut them tight behind us. Being connected to devices and closed off to in person relationships has played a huge role in skyrocketing depression and our serious mental health crisis.
Moving into the midlife years, we can count on experiencing a whole new set of challenges that we never considered in our 30’s and 40’s. Aging parents, adulting kids, loss of spouse, perhaps our own medical diagnosis, we will want to have built up a strong network of support. It may be difficult at first but start scheduling a couple social events a week on your calendar. Take a friend you haven’t spoken to for a long time to coffee, join a walking group, or a cooking class. Start moving out into the community, instead of isolating within the walls of your home.
Doing exactly this changed my entire life! I love the community of supportive like-minded women I’ve been able to build up over the last few years. I want this for you as well!
There comes a point when we have to allow our kids to either fall or fly out of our nest. We must release them to develop and grow into their own version of who God created them to be. Guess what, that version may be drastically different than what we imagined. This is okay, they are growing just like we did in our early adult years.
The first couple years of empty nest hood, every time a negative experience occurred with the kids I felt the need to don the cape and swoop in for the rescue. I had a strong case of “Super Hero Syndrome”. I began to feel paralyzed if they were having a bad day, allowing it to affect how I lived my days. I was thousands of miles away and yet I was sucked right into the center of their problem, trying to fight it for them. This needed to change.
I began to visualize that when they called me with a problem and I allowed myself to get wrapped up in the middle, it was akin to wearing their “emotional clothes”. I wasn’t created to wear their clothes, they do not fit me. I can offer advice, counsel, encouragement and love but I cannot take on their circumstances as my own.
In time the kids will learn to choose “clothes” that fit them perfectly and our relationship will be one of mutual respect and admiration. Their style may be totally different than mine, and I have learned to love that about them.
The mom guilt snuck up on me out of nowhere! I felt like I was a good mom. I stayed home with the kids, poured myself into their lives and did the best I could with what I knew how to do.
As soon as the house was empty, I started questioning myself. The negative thoughts would come rolling in waves of guilt. Feelings that I could’ve done more, been more, loved more. It’s almost like being in one of those timed cooking contests on TV. You run around with your partner preparing the meal as specified, trying to get everything right and then the clock runs out of time. You look at your handiwork and think about all the things you could’ve added if you only had more time and different ingredients.
STOP! Don’t do this to yourself. If the sneaky mom guilt comes up on you, stop it in its tracks. Speak God’s truth into your life. You did the best you could with what you knew how to do. These are God’s kids and he chose you to be their precious mom. We all are less than perfect and have times that we could have done much better. If you need to seek forgiveness for something in particular – DO IT! Choose to hold on to the good and beautiful times and cherish them. Know that there are so many more memories to come.
Now I want you to clench your fists tight and hold them out in front of you. Slowly open your fingers and release them until your palms are flat. Say out loud, “I release them into your almighty and all knowing hands, God. Thank you for allowing me to be a mother.”
Don’t let mom guilt occupy your mind for more than .2 seconds. You did good, mom! Move forward!!
As we were busy raising humans, it’s likely that you poured yourself out completely. If you’re like me, your well is now completely dry. I didn’t recognize at first what was going on, I just knew I felt like a bus had hit me mentally.
I hunkered down and kept working. I never acknowledged that I was emotionally empty and simply going through the motions of life. By the end of 2020, I was desperate. Something was not right. It was then that I opened my bible for the first time in ten years. Over the next couple months, I allowed God into my life in a way I never had before – complete surrender. It was a midlife awakening! The living water of the Word restored my soul and gave me a strong vision for my life purpose – helping women entering midlife to find their footing in work, faith and life.
My fire for life was ignited! My life’s verse Psalm 52:8 was discovered during this time. “But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God. I will trust in His unfailing love forever and ever.” My well was now overflowing for all to enjoy.
A spiritual renewal is the most powerful way we can “refill our well”. But what about a renewal of your health? Your fitness? Your relationship with YOU? Take this time to dream again for your life. Moving forward, make taking care of you a priority so that you are in the best shape to help others in your life. Consider what that might look like for you and do it!
This new season has the potential to reawaken your life in a way you never dreamed possible. Don’t allow it to slip away by living life on the sidelines. Learn to embrace all the emotions of it, build a strong support system of like–minded women and enjoy your empty nest years!
_________________________________
Searching for support on your empty nest journey? Come join LEAD My Life for community, connection, coaching and change. We’re waiting for you! www.leadmylife.com
