Sit down my friend and take a good look around. What do your surroundings say about you?
When a friend comes over unexpectedly, are you apologizing as you pick up piles of laundry to clear a place to sit?
Are family members forced to give you a special arrival time because you’re always “fashionably” late?
Does making excuses for arriving unprepared or not “dressed right” for the occasion come second nature?
It could be time for a SELF IMAGE AUDIT.
Before you “swipe left” and dismiss this conversation, remember I never write about roads I have not traveled myself. For me, this is a well worn path and one I now choose to go down on a regular basis. The exponential benefits of understanding my self image far outweigh the discomfort of finally opening my eyes and taking a look directly in the mirror.
When I took a leap back into the professional realm several years ago, how I presented myself to the world had taken a serious back seat. “Pre-Mom-Me” always enjoyed a “put-together” wardrobe with a sense of style. Yet somehow the daily rigors of mom–hood left me running around in jeans, t-shirts and a messy bun. Putting on make-up was something I did around 7am and never gave it a second thought until I washed off what was left at bedtime. I even bragged about my new “not-caring” attitude. A definite cover-up for what I was feeling inside.
I’m not just talking about clothes and outward appearance. There were other areas in my life where the tread was starting to wear thin. When the week was especially busy, planning meals and keeping groceries in the house started to suffer. Drive-thru eating or picking up something on the way to practice became the norm. In my teaching days I was known to be punctual, now running 5-10 minutes late had morphed into “on-time” for me. I’d take a quick look in the mirror as I dashed out the door, throwing on a baseball cap to cover up another bad hair day. There never seemed to be enough time to put myself together like I did pre-kids. It’s just who I am, I’d tell myself, but deep down it didn’t feel right. I wanted more for myself, but how?
I thank my then teenage daughter for dragging me out of the abyss of I-DON’T-CARE, and teaching me how to love and take care of myself again. I remember her asking me,”Mom, why do you always take me to get my nails done, but you don’t? Or “Why do we go shopping for me and you never buy something for yourself?” Over time she inadvertently prescribed my first Self Image Audit and boy did I need it! I was essentially telling my daughter without words that a mother doesn’t need to take care of herself. If I was telling her to become all that she was created to be, shouldn’t I be the one modeling that for her? Not the other way around!
Thinking about ourselves is often mistakenly equated to being selfish or self-absorbed. At least that was the kool-aid I’d been drinking. In actuality, I have learned that the opposite is true. In fact how we see ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world directly affects what we receive back. If our life was displayed on a billboard driving down the freeway what would it say of us? If we are desiring to make an impact on our corner of the world, to make the most of our God given gifts, what is the message we are sending without ever saying a word? It’s even more intriguing of a question when you consider how we perceive ourselves is directly correlated to our income producing abilities. Simply put, our net worth often reflects our notion of self worth. That alone made me want to pull up a chair and perform a “Self Image Audit”.
I have been a long time listener of “The School of Self Image” podcast. Self Image Coach Tonya Leigh describes self image as being composed of three key elements: Mindset, Style and Showing Up. In 2021 during our remote “COVID Days” I came across Tonya as a guest on a podcast with life coach Brooke Castillo. It was a quick favorite. The topic was ”Self Image and Your Money”. She describes the moment when she clearly recognized the correlation between the two. Listen to the episode with Tonya Leigh here
Before zoom calls were even a thing, she was on a phone meeting with a coaching client. The woman on the other end of the line, was lamenting how she felt frumpy and unproductive at work. Tonya recalls catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror while on the call. In the middle of coaching this woman on her sense of style, she was on the other end of the line in a worn out pair of Pajama bottoms, a big oversized sweatshirt and seventy pounds overweight. Recognizing the irony of the call, she quickly went to work on rebuilding her own self image.
Eager to start working on your self image? The starting block is your mindset. Think about the running conversation you have with yourself. Are you encouraging yourself to stretch and grow? Or do you have a critical inner voice? How you view yourself in the world, what you accept for your life will be directly tied to what you receive. In the professional world, that amounts to dollars, promotions and what level of success you are assigning to yourself.
Listening to one voice over the other takes work. You need to feed the encouraging positive voice and starve the critical negative one. When our two children were at summer camp, they put on a skit for the parents on family day. They had us all laughing and singing the catchy phrase of “Turn that Negative into a Positive”. We watched as the kids acted out scenes of camp experiences gone wrong that they were able to turn into something good. Singing with hand motions, “Turn that negative into a positive!” To this day is etched in my mind.
Where does our negative self-talk come from? More often than not our own upbringing. Authors John Assuraf and Murray Smith in their book “The Answer” state that as children we heard on average thirty no’s to every one yes. That’s a lot of negatives to overcome. Knowing this, I have become keenly aware of how my attitude sets the temperature gauge of our own home. If having an “I don’t care about me” attitude rubs off onto everyone around me, imagine what would happen if I put energy into being the very best version of myself. Being a counterpart in making a positive impact on the lives around me, becomes worth the effort!
Working on our mindset and attitude is something we can do every single day. As we take action on our inner self, our outer demeanor begins to change. We are perceived by those around us in a different light. Opportunities begin to present themselves and slowly our world begins to change. People want to play on our winning team. It’s not too long before our outer self wants to take part in the action. This is where STYLE comes into play!
We all have our own style, it just may take some discovering. If you are folding your arms and saying,”I don’t care about style, or clothes, or my hair or putting on make-up”. I challenge you to think about this more. There is a stark difference between “I don’t care” and “I don’t know how.” One says “I don’t value myself enough to learn” end of story. The other says “I need to learn but have no idea where to start.” One spells defeat before it even begins and the other carries hope with a need for direction.
Our style is our statement to the world around us. It says,”This is me!”
How do we want to feel in our own skin?
Vibrant? Fun? Calm? Peaceful?
How do we want others to view us?
If it takes less than a millisecond for someone to have an opinion of us, what do we want that opinion to be? I may want to run around with no frills, no make-up, and comfy clothes but is this really how I want to present myself to the world? to the competition I’m bidding against? If I was the hiring manager for my dream job, would I hire me? Hmmmm…
As managers of our own brand, we become our loudest message. What is our style telling others about us? I discovered my daily uniform of mom jeans, big t-shirts and messy bun was telling the world that I didn’t care enough about myself to look put together. It said loud and clear, “I have given up!” If I didn’t care about me, why should they?
Rediscovering my style as a fifty plus woman has been a lot of fun and FREEING! I don’t go with the latest trends, but have identified that I like a classic tailored style. I can take it anywhere and it makes me feel like a million bucks. You may be a little bit fancy or enjoy more of a laid back style, the main thing is that you are truly intentional about how you present yourself to the world. I have even taken classes on how to apply make-up at my age. Guess what it has changed since the 80’s! I truly love how I look, not in a conceited way but rather from a place of inner confidence that I didn’t have before. This feels amazing to say as someone who used to avoid glancing in the mirror at all costs. I’m now presenting my best self to the world with confidence and a sense of worth that took five decades to surface.
With that said, It is also incredibly important to me that I’m seen not only as a professional but as a real woman comfortable in her own skin. Deep down, I’m an athlete at heart and with intention I do videos out on my mountain bike or running a trail with no make-up, helmet on and mud splattered everywhere. I can then go to my office and do a video looking my very best. The point is that I have given it thought and I know how I want to be seen. I’m being true to me.
The message we are sending out to the world is shouted to the rooftops without us ever saying a word. How we enter a room, how we hold ourselves and how we make people feel all translates into our self image.
Consider a meeting that you have been called to attend at 9:00 am. As you walk into the lobby of the office you can see through the tall glass windows twenty high-back leather chairs surrounding an elegant conference room table. Every seat but one is occupied by a neatly dressed person with a notepad and pen ready to go.
Imagine that you push open the stately glass door and enter the room. All eyes look to you –
What do they see?
What do you want them to see?
What do you want them to feel as you take your seat?
Which seat will you be taking?
Are you leading the meeting?
Did that conjure up a vision of a future self that you are determined to become? Perhaps all eyes looked to you as their leader as you took the top seat and began the meeting. Your warm smile and demeanor welcomed them to the task at hand. They felt valued and affirmed as a member of your team.
… or did you picture a woman coming in, taking a seat at the back because it’s 9:05. Her hair is still a bit damp because she didn’t have time to style it or finish her makeup. She’ll have time to finish at break. The papers she is loosely holding fall to the floor as she scrambles to pick them up, the other attendees gaze with irritation at their watches. Respect has been lost and a judgment has been made.
Here’s a few ideas that will cost you nothing but pays back huge dividends:
The simple act of being punctual aka early – speaks volumes of respecting others’ time.
Taking the time to “complete your look” tells everyone you care about you and them.
A warm smile and acknowledging people by name shows you value them and it costs nothing.
Dressing for a zoom call the same way you would for an in person meeting – reflects in your attitude and confidence.
Even if we develop a great attitude, work on a killer style but we leave off showing up for ourselves or others – we’ve lost the self image battle. The three together form a cohesive triangle. Without all components working in conjunction we will continue to have gaps.
When we take a self image audit we can always expect to identify a couple things that could be worked on – that’s called growth! Don’t get discouraged! Choose one item, make a detailed plan around it and start working on it everyday until you see some genuine change. Then get to work on something else. Over time the people around you will start to notice something different about you, that they just can’t put a finger on. That’s when you’ll know you are gaining momentum on projecting to the world the best and highest version of YOU!
