Every chair was filled that day, each sitting directly in front of a long mirror.
Hairstylists outfitted in black stood behind every chair, snipping and clipping to the tune of their client’s requests. There was an ebb and flow to the chatter, but one voice rose above the others and then sank heavily into my own heart.
“We lost that loving feeling a long time ago,” she stated. “Separate vacations with separate friends. Separate bedrooms with separate lives. We’re basically roommates and we’re happier this way.”
The older woman talked matter-of-factly of her husband as if he were the clerk at the grocery store or some man she knew. The hairstylist tried to hide her surprise and cautiously laughed with the woman about her “man problem.”
I felt sad to my very core and resolved to go home and give my husband a big hug. How does this happen within a marriage? And more importantly what can we do to make sure that the-best is-yet-to-be within our own relationships?
It’s really no secret that there is a second divorce hurdle for marriages beyond the infamous “seven year itch.” That period of time where marriages dissolve early on, likely due to the pressures of starting a family, financial stress and difficulties of life.
The second hurdle occurring in midlife has been on a rampant increase over the last three decades with a laundry list of reasons that are vastly different than their younger counterparts. Loneliness stemming from an empty-nest, growing apart, unwillingness to “settle” for an empty shell marriage all give us valuable clues on how to protect and treasure one of God’s greatest gifts – marriage.
When we remodeled our home several years ago, I had been on a trip to Waco,Texas and visited Magnolia Farms. I lugged back home a large metal sign which Todd and I hung prominently in the family room on our newly painted walls. It was a reminder to us, “Grow old alongside me, the best is used to be.”
We have chuckled over it from time to time, especially when we had to set up a hospital bed directly in front of it when Todd broke multiple bones in a mountain bike accident last year. “The best is yet to be …?” We would ask ourselves. Midlife is certainly a different road to travel. The speed may be reduced but it requires an intentionality to pay sharp attention lest you forget to navigate the curves ahead.
Nevertheless a beautiful thriving marriage is more than possible after fifty. Even if you are starting from ground zero, God designed your union with your spouse to thrive. Here’s a few things that we have discovered that have made these second act years our best ever!
We’ve been married for thirty-three years. During that time our faith in God has never wavered. But there were seasons early on when my faith was stronger than my husband’s. I had placed myself in the environment for it. I was teaching at a faith-based school, leading bible studies and then I came home to raise the kids. Without even realizing it I gradually withdrew into the duties of motherhood and started neglecting my own growth and well-being. The baton was passed and Todd’s faith grew stronger in leaps and bounds. He had begun placing himself in an environment of mentorship and growth.
In our empty–nest years though a flip was switched back on in me. I had watched my husband get up in the pre-dawn hours daily for years and I witnessed the results of his growth. His faith was solid and I wanted that. I started getting up with him in those early hours. We bought two leather chairs side by side for our early-morning study hours. It became the most treasured time of our days. I imagined the Lord standing behind our two chairs smiling down on us, protecting us. As we read quietly, wrote, took notes and periodically stopped to ask questions or discuss an interesting point our respect and love for one another deepened. I marveled at his knowledge of God’s word. He was astounded by my gift of practical application.
Without realizing we were working out our faith, together! We finally deeply understood the value of putting God in the center of our marriage on a daily basis. It wasn’t forced or contrived; it was something we simply enjoyed doing together. Our prayers together became a fierce weapon in some dark days for our family. Above anything else, this morning practice became a pillar of marital strength.
It’s also producing fruit! Recently we launched a home fellowship, answering a call to lead that God put on both of our hearts. I’ve also felt God’s leading to strongly integrate my faith into business – after all if I have the life raft I need to be sharing it. When it comes to a strong faith foundation – the best is truly unfolding every single day!
Todd loves to tell the story of a marital spat we had in the early years. Neither one of us can recall what it was regarding, but we both agree he had said something out of line and I was ticked and hurt. Not able to get over the hurdle of our anger, we drove into town sitting in our respective seats stewing hot.
Not that I’m a saint by any means, early on I was quite a hot-head, but I remembered something in that stifling silence. Our pastor’s wife gave us this nugget of advice on our wedding night. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, you two!”
Going against every grain of prideful resistance in my body, I slowly reached over and grabbed his hand while he was driving. At first I wanted to squeeze the lifeblood out of it, but somehow holding his hand allowed our anger to melt like an ice cube on a hot summer day.
In Todd’s eyes, it was a lesson in forgiveness he will never forget. He knew I had not been the instigator, yet it was I who reached out my hand in apology. It is something we have practiced over and over again in our marriage. Even if you can’t bring yourself to utter the words, a simple touch given in love dissolves anger and extends the branch of forgiveness. Many nights we fall asleep holding hands, so deeply is this lesson rooted in us. The quicker we can get to that point the better it is for our relationships.
Of all the gifts my parent’s life-long marriage gave to me, laughter is the one I treasure the most. A quick wit, the ability to laugh at my own goofy mistakes, or being able to dispel a tense situation with a smile, these are truly gifts for the soul.
According to the book of Proverbs a cheerful heart aka laughter makes the best medicine. It makes a lot of sense, laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Your ability to laugh activates and relieves your stress response.
There are so many times I have gone to Todd with one of my adventures-gone-wrong, and instead of anger he makes a joke and we both laugh. A tearful moment or worse – words generated from anger – are avoided and we can engage in a more solutions based discussion. There is a time and place for laughter but I feel like this is an invaluable tool in the marriage tool belt.
I’m often surprised that Todd did not work “that we ride our bikes together until death do us part ” into our marital vows. We started riding together when we were dating. I was just learning about road cycling and our first Valentine’s Day together as a married couple, he came home with a bright red Cannondale road bike. We were poor as church mice, but I knew that if I was going to be Todd Williams’ wife I would need to love cycling. Fortunately, I took to it!
Getting into the great outdoors has been a saving grace for our marriage and is a much loved pillar for our family. Over the years cycling expanded to hiking mountain peaks, running marathons, competing in half ironman’s for our fiftieth birthdays. It has kept us young and healthy, alleviated mental stress and has given us a life-long activity we love doing together. I believe I have outlasted all Todd’s male biking partners, which is a source of pride for me!
Find something you both enjoy doing together, where you are the most equally matched. In the early years, I would get frustrated by how much stronger Todd was than me. He was always ahead of me and I could never “beat him”. Over time I realized I was the only wife out there willing to ride and keep up with her husband. I chose to be grateful that God had gifted me with the ability to ride and it was never intended to be a competition. I stopped complaining and started rejoicing in being together doing something we both loved.
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I truly believe that when you are intentional about growing your marriage relationship and start making the steps forward, beautiful things begin to happen. It starts with us taking the lead in our own lives. Working on becoming the best version of ourselves. There is something irresistibly attractive about a God-confident healthy woman who humbly knows her worth. Work on becoming that woman for you, first! Your spouse will take notice.
For Todd and I, we discovered that midlife brought about an opportunity to dream for our future together. It’s taken our life to new heights that we never had imagined before. Even though you can never escape the difficulties of life, this has been such an amazing new season. A true midlife awakening! I encourage you to take hold of it with your spouse and know that with God in the center, the best is always yet to be!
