When life gets tough who can you count on to help you hold the line? Learn 5 ways to find and build solid friendships for your most fulfilled life!
Rounding the corner on fifty carried for me both an ache and a thrill. The kids had left the nest, I was starting to remember what being in shape felt like, hubby and I were relishing having the house to ourselves and I was discovering a new purpose in life. Yet despite the newfound freedoms there was an undeniable ache.
In the years of raising up our little birds to their new fly away status, I had inadvertently neglected maintaining my own circle of friends. Our newly emptied nest exposed an even emptier list of friends. Overnight, I became acutely aware that if I wanted to grab a movie or coffee with a friend, all those other mama birds had flown away. I was friendless and something needed to be done.
Besides the glaringly obvious fact that a life without friendships will eventually leave us terribly lonely, it also affects our ability to maintain balance and healthy life boundaries. In our efforts to bring into order the craziness of our days, setting up boundary lines becomes a necessary step in our life balance equation. Friendship is a vital ingredient to this equation.
Think of balance as being the very center of us, the changeless core of our being that is founded on solid Godly principles. Boundaries would be like a thickly braided rope that encircles and guards our center. I hold onto the words of King David in Psalm 16:6 that so eloquently states, “the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, sure I have a delightful inheritance.”
The problem is that my boundary lines do not always feel so pleasant. I set them up, draw the lines in the sand, and like a herd of elephants, people trample right over them. I create healthy expectations such as respectful two way conversations, being able to say no to things that don’t serve me, putting realistic limits on my time and then people march in and completely disregard all of them. My carefully drawn lines are washed away by the moods of the tide as if they never existed. I need help holding the line! Someone to speak words of truth that will keep me strong, and I can do the same for them. In a word, FRIENDS!
One of the most beautiful outcomes of building deep friendships is that we now have sweet sisters who willingly hold the boundary rope with us. Friends who encourage us to stand strong. Who are not afraid to tell us when we are dropping the rope and letting negative elements into our life. We can stand together, back to back and fight for the best in each other!
Are you raising your hand and saying, “YES! I want friends like this! Where can I find them?”
These are the steps I took to start building friendships when I found myself midlife coming up empty handed.
#1 INITIATE … This may be the hardest step of all, for it requires stepping outside of our comfort zone. It mandates putting all those fears, all the negative self-talk into the garbage bag and taking it to the curb.
I remember as a little girl we would go to the beach almost every weekend to watch my dad surf. I would play in the sand by myself and inevitably other kids would show up and set up shop next to us. We would build separate castles with large motes and neither one would acknowledge the other, except for a quick sideways glance to see what the other was doing. That is until my mother would give me the dreaded nudge to walk up and ask the other if they wanted to play. I HATED this! It made me feel so UNCOMFORTABLE! Yet, every weekend I would do it and spend the rest of the day building massive sand castles with my newfound best friends. My parents would have to pry me away at the end of the day!
In order to discover new friends we must INITIATE! We cannot wait around for someone, someday to come knocking on our door, we must go on the hunt ourselves.
#2 OUTWARD … Once we’ve overcome our fears, and summoned up the courage to initiate the action we need to start the search, we must move OUTWARD! Open wide the front doors of our home and go out into the world.
For me, I brainstormed all the things I enjoyed doing. The women’s clubs and non profits in my area that interested me and people I knew on an acquaintance level that I would like to get to know on a deeper level. I even took to my Facebook friend list that I had worked to develop for business and found people who were local and shared my interest.
As my list grew, I kept reminding myself that I’m not the only woman in the world who wants to have friendships. We are in this boat together. I was determined to move OUTWARD!
#3 INVITE … I made some bold moves, going to women’s clubs and group meetings by myself. I initiated conversations, I put myself out there. What was once extremely uncomfortable, started to become fun and exciting. I was meeting people and coming out of my shell!
The next step was to INVITE the women I was meeting for coffee. I wanted to learn more about them, I wanted to add value to their life and give them some moments of my time. I resolved to take one new person to coffee every week. This single action CHANGED MY LIFE! Taking the initiative, moving outward, inviting new women to coffee every week opened doors of opportunity for my life that were never even on my radar.
#4 BUILD … It did not take long for me to pinpoint some ladies whom I really enjoyed. We were not carbon copies of each other, in fact in many respects we were incredibly different. Yet, we shared the same core values in life and that was what I needed.
I decided to BUILD a group. I asked a couple ladies to join my book club. We would meet twice a month and go through a nonfiction personal growth book. It was official!
What took off from that is what I now call a “Growth Group” and it was life transforming.
We started with a book, but soon began discussing the deeper issues of life. Forming bonds of friendship week after week. At first it was two times a month and quickly became a nonnegotiable every Friday morning meeting. We helped each other with business ideas, much needed advice on family issues, and healthy lifestyle tips. We were each growing exponentially as women the more time we invested in our “TRIBE”. They became my rope holders. Balance and order slowly became a more constant theme of my life and my boundary lines were growing stronger.
#5 YOUR FIVE … The final step in finding your rope holders is the Power of Five. Jim Rohn states that we are the sum total of the 5 people we spend the most time with, so ladies look around you. Who occupies your time? Are they people that model whom you wish to become? Do you want them to rub off on you?
Think of the boundary rope surrounding your center, the changeless part of you. When you envision your rope holders, I want you to imagine who might fill these spots.
In front of you, leading the way are two “guides”. Two friends who walk a few steps ahead of you. Not so far ahead that they’ve forgotten what it feels like to walk in your shoes, but just enough to lead the way and light your path.
On either side of you are your two “arm holders”. These are your two dear friends who walk through the trenches with you. When you are weak they hold up your arms, and they fiercely guard the rope. Back to Back you fight for each other, because a triple braided cord is not easily broken.
Don’t forget to look behind you! Reach back a hand to pull up your “follower”. The woman who is walking your path and putting her feet into your footsteps, measuring the distance. Mentor her, help her, remember what it felt like to walk in her shoes.
Finding friends who will hold your rope is hard but rewarding work. Not everyone wanted to walk that path with me or wanted to put in the work. That is ok! We eventually find our people and we cherish and protect those unconditional friendships.
A few months ago our family went through an extremely difficult trial. It required me to make some challenging, life altering decisions. I needed to be strong. I needed to not have my boundary lines washed away by a changing tide. I needed my rope holders!
Had I not done the hard work in the years prior to build my faith and these friendships, I would not have had the strength to get through the tough times. My family is forever grateful for these dear women.
